I was captain of the cheerleading squad, I grew up wearing princess costumes and tutu’s, I love makeup and high heels and I don’t feel complete without lip gloss. I’m also so fucking gay.
For so long, I thought that these pieces of my personality and how I presented myself meant that I couldn’t possibly be a lesbian. There is no way that I can love dresses and also love girls… that wear dresses… right?
Coming out to my mom, one of her biggest replies was that I couldn’t be gay. “I would have known,” she constantly said. “You loved tutu’s, you love makeup. You are not gay.” As though there were very strict rules in what made someone a lesbian and I broke them all.
When I came out in 2014, it was RIGHT before Pride. I went to Pride and tried to spit some game at some hunnies and they literally thought I was my gay guy friends straight ally. I couldn’t get them to even look at me. I was so discouraged and angry. That’s when I decided I would start dressing more masculine.
I started buying snapbacks, joggers, sneakers and rolling my sleeves. I constantly was putting my hands in my pockets and trying to put a more edgy, masculine look on. I failed. Miserably. In all of the photos of me from this time, I look SO rigid and uncomfortable. I was so miserable and lost and I just wanted to feel like I belonged.
Eventually, I just realized that wearing those things didn’t make me more or less gay. I could wear a dress and still be just as gay as I was with a snapback on. It sounds so silly doesn’t it? That somehow society has programmed us to think that how we present ourselves on the outside has ANYTHING to do with how we are on the inside. Insane.
It took me a long time to feel comfortable with the fact that I was gay and what that meant for me. Sexuality and how we choose to show that part of us is such a fluid thing. It used to feel so black and white to me and learning that there can be grey area was exciting!
I still have moments of insecurity when I’m at a gay bar. People still assume I’m straight (stop assuming people’s sexuality and making people in your own community feel like they don’t belong – will get into this in another post one day). I feel like my hand constantly has to be in my girlfriend’s for people to feel like I belong at LGBTQ+ bars. It’s frustrating but it’s true.
All in all, over time I feel more and more confident in who I am. Sharing my story and getting to know all of you has made me feel so much less alone! I used to only see a certain type of lesbian represented online and its changing so much as the years go on.
Continue being you, whoever that may be, and representing it however you want. Nobody can tell you who you are or what that should look like. Do what makes you happy, who makes you happy in whatever makes you happy and never think twice about it.
You are beautiful and valid. Be kind to one another!