I was captain of the cheerleading squad, I grew up wearing princess costumes and tutu’s, I love makeup and high heels and I don’t feel complete without lip gloss. I’m also so fucking gay.
For so long, I thought that these pieces of my personality and how I presented myself meant that I couldn’t possibly be a lesbian. There is no way that I can love dresses and also love girls… that wear dresses… right?
Coming out to my mom, one of her biggest replies was that I couldn’t be gay. “I would have known,” she constantly said. “You loved tutu’s, you love makeup. You are not gay.” As though there were very strict rules in what made someone a lesbian and I broke them all.
When I came out in 2014, it was RIGHT before Pride. I went to Pride and tried to spit some game at some hunnies and they literally thought I was my gay guy friends straight ally. I couldn’t get them to even look at me. I was so discouraged and angry. That’s when I decided I would start dressing more masculine.
I started buying snapbacks, joggers, sneakers and rolling my sleeves. I constantly was putting my hands in my pockets and trying to put a more edgy, masculine look on. I failed. Miserably. In all of the photos of me from this time, I look SO rigid and uncomfortable. I was so miserable and lost and I just wanted to feel like I belonged.
Eventually, I just realized that wearing those things didn’t make me more or less gay. I could wear a dress and still be just as gay as I was with a snapback on. It sounds so silly doesn’t it? That somehow society has programmed us to think that how we present ourselves on the outside has ANYTHING to do with how we are on the inside. Insane.
It took me a long time to feel comfortable with the fact that I was gay and what that meant for me. Sexuality and how we choose to show that part of us is such a fluid thing. It used to feel so black and white to me and learning that there can be grey area was exciting!
I still have moments of insecurity when I’m at a gay bar. People still assume I’m straight (stop assuming people’s sexuality and making people in your own community feel like they don’t belong – will get into this in another post one day). I feel like my hand constantly has to be in my girlfriend’s for people to feel like I belong at LGBTQ+ bars. It’s frustrating but it’s true.
All in all, over time I feel more and more confident in who I am. Sharing my story and getting to know all of you has made me feel so much less alone! I used to only see a certain type of lesbian represented online and its changing so much as the years go on.
Continue being you, whoever that may be, and representing it however you want. Nobody can tell you who you are or what that should look like. Do what makes you happy, who makes you happy in whatever makes you happy and never think twice about it.
You are beautiful and valid. Be kind to one another!
Hi Kate! Thanks so much for always validating femme lesbians as well as everyone on the spectrum in your posts! I totally relate to all of this and definitely have felt more secure with myself after following you!
This made my day! I’m so happy I can help you feel more confident and comfortable. It’s the greatest gift!
Thank you for this! I’m in the process of coming out to my family after coming out to my friends first. And I have a feeling they will be hesitant to accept my true identity because of my feminine tendencies.
Just remind them that how you dress does not determine your sexuality. I hope they can come around to accepting who you truly are! That’s the sign of a real friend.
Hi Kate! You have helped me so much to become who I have been wanting to be for a long time! Sincs I started following you I have become a better person for who I wanna be. You have made me feel comfortable and confident in my self. I appreciate you a ton.
This made my day! Keep being you and being proud!!
I have been following you on social media and you have been such a huge support for me! I’ve struggled with my sexuality since I can honestly remember (age 12ish) and I’m finally out of a marriage (to a man) and have met my partner and the love of my life! Coming out has been difficult for my family, especially my mom, since I’m 29 and divorced from a straight marriage, and now I’m with a woman. My mom also pulls the “you cant be gay, you’re too pretty” card. Being validated as a femme gay who loves a woman who looks like a woman has been a struggle in today society. That’s why I love following you and Sarah! Thanks for being so transparent and sharing your story and struggles with us! As you tell us, you are not alone! ❤️
I’m so proud you for doing what feels right and for living your life regardless of family members (and others) opinions. It’s not always easy but it’s so important to live life for your and your own happiness. Keep living and loving, my friend. Sending you all my love!
Your stories are so deep and very much respected. I always share with my girlfriend what you have gone through especially with coming out to your parents. I am the first girl my girlfriend has ever been with, and it’s very often that she thinks about how or when she should tell her parents. Reading your stories, sometimes makes her look at things in such a way that you do. Thank You for your every day posts and comfortability in the life you live. ❤
This made my night. Tell her to we all have our own path and do things in our own time. It isn’t always easy but she can do it whenever she’s ready. Send her all of my love!
Hey Kate! Thanks for these inspiring posts, you are doing such a great job for the lgbtq community, and I hope you keep on showing the world that love is love! Lots of love from Colombia 💕
Thank you so much Sofia. Sending all of my love right back to you!
I am not out yet, but your posts give me hope that one day I will be able to have that conversation with my family & friends. Your confidence and strength is inspiring!
All things in time, my love. <3
I’m a femme bi girl and I have a hard time getting lesbian women to REALLY believe I’m actually into women. Tips?
I am so sorry for people who make bisexual people feel less than valid. It makes me absolutely irate. You don’t have to prove yourself to absolutely anyone and if someone makes you do that – FUQ THEM.
i loved this. i’m new in the lgbtq+ community and feel like i don’t belong because i’m still kinda in the closet. people used to tell me i “looked lesbian” whenever i would wear joggers, tennis shoes and a sweatshirt. i hated that, not the being called lesbian part even though i’m bi just the fact that what i wore decided my sexuality to people, i didn’t like that. i want to wear whatever the fuck i want and love whoever the fuck i want!
yes! wear whatever you want and you don’t know anyone an explanation!